When Conspiracy Theories Hit Home and Sever Families

Nearly two years ago, I wrote: “Moral Incompatibility is Tearing us Apart.” As noted then, the political is often very personal and damaging to family relations. I know this all too well. My family, like many today, is being negatively impacted by conspiracy theory belief.

I have a close family member who long identified as leftist, liberal, progressive and EXTREME fanatical VEGAN, who went down the conspiracy theory rabbit hole. It was initially very hard for me to comprehend this seemingly radical pivot, since I mostly thought of conspiracy theorists as coming from the politically right wing faction.

Vegetarianism and veganism seemed to me integrally more tied to liberal thinking than conservative in terms of the compassion, social justice and environmental reasons for eliminating meat consumption and in the case of veganism eschewing all animal products.

I am a child of the sixties. I was the quintessential hippie flower-child peacenik and a true Aquarian. I marched against the Vietnam War, against school segregation and against all forms of bias decades before BLM. I am also now a mother and grandmother. I have three grown children, two of whom once shared my left-leaning views. One still does.

My eldest child and I are astrological twins — our birthdays just a day apart — and of my three, he most physically resembles me. We always got along well. He’s always been smart as whip but also a bit of wise aleck who was once sent home from school, for wearing a shirt that said: “I won’t smoke, if you don’t fart.” Smart but not a good student. A rebel who would read books on physics but not do his homework. By 4th grade, I took him out of public school and enrolled him in a small private school for “gifted” kids for two years, believing his disciplinary problems were because he wasn’t being challenged enough. The first year went well, the second year he began acting out there as well and I put him back in public school. High school was uneventful. He continued to be argumentative, loving a good debate he also loved being contrary and unique.

Since about the age of 17 he chose veganism.

He grew up, married and moved to Asheville NC and after George W. Bush was appointed to office for a second term, my son, his wife and their toddler son, immigrated to New Zealand. He said he refused to live in a country that didn’t have even semi-socialized medicine. He and his family maintain dual citizenship, 16 years later.

Sometime in the 90s in keeping with his need to be different, he discovered utili-kilts and traded in pants, also occasionally wearing a long skirt. That ended when he became an avid bicycle rider. He also began a Yoga practice and taught it for a while. He doesn’t own a car or a TV.

He is adamantly, radically, fanatically, outspokenly — and a bit arrogantly — vegan, based on the environmental, ethical, and health benefits. He wears a shirt with a different vegan slogan seven days a week and he proselytizes veganism. Leafletting at events is not uncommon for vegans, but that and street theater have become his “job.”

And then things started to become strange. I began receiving emails from him critical of Black Lives Matter and defending police use of force in some high profile cases which seemed out-of-character but I chalked it up to his liking to be contrary and taking the controversial side of any argument. While claiming not to be a supporter of Trump, he seemed to accept more and more conspiracy theories regarding racial issues and events and went to great lengths to argue with me that the former president did not say that Mexicans are rapist and murderers playing a video of the remarks that in fact did say “they send” us, not their best, but their rapists and murders which technically did not paint all Mexicans with the same broad bigoted brush. (It also did not make sense, since I don’t think Mexico “sends” us anyone.) I conceded that he was technically right, but why, I wondered defend Trump?

He was becoming more of a conundrum to me and we grew less close — avoiding any “hot (political) topics,” our phone calls became increasingly more brief “how are you” check ins and I avoided emails after he (and his brother) sent me links to articles and videos critical of those who claim to be “woke” and allegedly see racism everywhere.

Then came COVID and he wound up going off the cliff into anti-vax conspiracies.

I began researching the demographics and commonalities of conspiracy theorists.

The first thing I learned is they are a diverse group.

While some research points to people who are or feel marginalized as more likely to fall prey to beliefs such as flat earth and climate crisis being a hoax, people who believe in conspiracy theories come from all walks of life and all levels of education and intelligence. Some deny factual events such as the Sandy Hook school shooting and even the Holocaust, which is what tied to the right politically in my thinking, but not all who buy into conspiracies buy into all conspiracies.

How did my adamantly leftist son become an adamant anti-vaxer?

One of the other revelations I learned on my journey to understanding conspiracy theorists, is that those who embraced any “radical” ideas to begin with are more likely to accept other non-traditional thinking like conspiracy theories.

For my son it seems the major connection is that vegans share a suspicion of — or often total opposition to — western medicine, preferring to find alternative modalities and letting their body heal itself with healthy food. While some vegans have traditionally taken routine vaccines, many believe that they can cure their bodies of every ailment with healthy living — and thinking.

Then Covid-19 came along with often contradictory information and mandates which led many to distrust the Covid vaccines. For many like my son, the politization of the Covid vaccine — and mandates — pushed them over the line. For my son, it impacted the parenting of his teen son and as a result my relationship with him. Why?

As I continued investigating who gets attracted to conspiracy theories and why, the word narcissism kept popping up. Narcissism or narcissistic behavior or narcissistic personality disorder were terms unknown to me, for the most part, prior to 2016. If I thought of them at all, it was in very lay terms as someone vane, full of themselves; a Diva, as snob or very macho type — not unlike the mythological Narcissus who fell in love with his own reflection. It was never a word I would have thought of in relation to my son. Though, he was always someone I would refer to as a “know-it-all.”

In the end, it was his unwavering need to be right that negatively impacted his relationship with his 18-year-old son and with me. As with so many things in his life, he took being right to the extreme and disassociated himself with anyone — including family — who dared to express their own opinion. Yoga, vegan, and conspiracy circles all preach “do your own research” but what they really mean is distrust mainstream ideology and inundate yourself on anti-establishment ideology and you will see that they are right.

Some researchers such as Ben Lorber, a researcher at Political Research Associates, a think tank that monitors right-wing movements, believe that:

QAnon, in particular, may have a particular resonance for yoga practitioners . . . because both communities share the idea of a higher truth accessible to a select few.

The secret truth that QAnon followers believe is that the world is controlled by “the Deep State,” an evil cabal of elites who worship Satan and sexually assault children. In yoga, it’s more nuanced, but could include ideas like enlightenment or spiritual awakening.

Families Torn Apart

In the 1950s Rock ’n’ Roll and Elvis’s gyrations created value departures between parents and teens. In the 60’s it was feminism, hair length and materialism that created rifts that we chalked up to generation gaps.I left home at 17 for Greenwich Village, Haight Asbury and the 60’s lure of psychedelics, peace and free love and its politics of pacifism and ant-materialism all of which culminated in the mud at Woodstock in 1969.

More recently, conspiracy theories are splintering us. The MAGA movement widened the left/right gap and give hateful rhetoric greater permission with each side convinced the other is totally insane and uninformed. Like religious zealots and cult leaders, each side believes that only they know the “truth.”

In the end what caused my son to take the path he did? I doubt there is any one single cause. More likely it was a perfect storm combination of his individual personality traits and group thinking.

Some families live with and accept arguments at every holiday get-together, others have chosen instead to keep the peace by avoiding “taboo” topics (as I did for a while). In the end some families, like mine, find it necessary to distance — physically and emotionally. Avoidance works, but not without nostalgic longing and great sadness for the harmony that once was.