When and How to HELP
Helping is always a good thing, right? Maybe not.
You may remember the story of the Boy Scout who sees standing at a corner: Wanting to keep his oath to do good deeds, he grabs the elderly lady’s arm and practically drags her across the street. When they get to other side he stops, expecting her gratitude and appreciation. Instead, he’s surprised when she tells him she wanted to be exactly where she was!
Helping is not helping unless it is wanted. Think about the saying about the road to hell — it’s paved by good intentions.
If you come across a blind person, someone using a walker or wheelchair, or someone suffering from tremors or whatever impairment or challenge they may have that makes things a bit less easy or as fast as you might be able to do the same task . . . always ASK if they require any assistance. Never assume!
As a person with a disability, I can tell you that unwanted help creates a very uncomfortable situation. I always appreciate the thought and the kindness behind it, but . . .
My disability is manifested and most visible in my hands that are disfigured and deformed from Rheumatoid Arthritis. Twisted fingers and lumpy, bumpy joints.
What I’ve noticed many times when I am out in public is that people watch me do things, like open a package or unwrap something, or zip or button a coat. They watch, and it seems to make them uncomfortable causing them to jump in and ask if they can do it for me. Strangers, such as the person sitting next to me on public transit or in a theater are excluded, but often it is people who know me and should realize that I live alone and I manage on my own. I have many helpful devices including my favorite electric jar opener! By offering help, you may not be aware but you are calling attention to a difficulty that I prefer bot to have attention called to it. I, for one, do not appreciate being reminded that I am “different” or do some things somewhat awkwardly.
Being aware of others’ discomfort of my disability causes, adds a layer of embarssment that is not there otherwise. It also creates a difficulty wherein I am put in a position of having to choose between refusing the help without seeming unappreciative, or accepting unwanted help.
As I said, I recognize the kindness, but often I am also aware that they wish I would just stop and let them do it because it would be less uncomfortable for them. Their discomfort and lack of patience thus creates an uncomfortable discomfort for me trying to be polite and thankful while assuring them I am able to do whatever it is, myself.
I am likewise capable of asking for help when it is needed, like to open a never-opened water bottle! Offering help without being asked for it, infanticizes people wiht disabilitis as it assumes we are not capable of asking for help.
My suggestions:
1. Check your motivation. Do you want to help or end your own frustration or discomfort, as in saying the word someone is stuttering or forgetting, or just being patient with themselves while choose the right word? No matter how well-meaning, your motivation will be obvious.
2. ASK! Once you are sure you have no ulterior motive of making yourself feel better, ask before offering help.
3. Try to offer appropriate help and be aware of what you say, as well as what you do. One person suggesting I wear gloves to hide my hands, was not at all helpful.
