Mirah’s Reflections: Bullying, Misogyny and Racism
Were you the girl who snickered at classmates who didn’t have the “right” hairdo, clothes or shoes? Did you whisper about girls who were “teacher’s pet” or nerdy? Did you participate in fat shaming; ostracize those you saw as unworthy of being in the “in”?
Were you the schoolyard boy who thought it funny to tease and torment those with less physical prowess to fight back? Did you mock those with less athletic agility and ability? Did you laugh and point fingers at those who were awkward or slow? Did you gay-bash?
Did you laugh at these “shenanigans”? Or were you the target of tormenting?
Kids can be cruel, picking on and teasing others for any perceived difference. Bullies find peoples’ Achilles heel, often projecting their own short-comings onto others to deflect. The bully gets a thrill — is buoyed by — an “audience” who laughs at his “jokes” at others’ expense. The attention provides positive feedback and thus a sense of self-importance, even when some are laughing out of fear of being next.
That was when we were kids and really didn’t know better. We also smoked cigarettes thinking it made us cool, having no idea it was killing us. We sunbathed believing it made us better looking, more glamorous and appealing. That was then, we know better now. We took wild chances and engaged in risky behaviors. The potential danger just made it more exciting. We thought we were invincible, immortal.
We were utterly clueless that any of our behaviors were harming ourselves much less others. Our brains were not yet fully formed. Infants cannot grasp the concept of the world not revolving around them. Toddlers start to learn concepts such as not to hit or bite and that sharing is valued.
Empathy, or Lack Thereof
The development of empathy is both an emotional and cognitive process. By six or seven most kids are in school fulltime. It is around this time that in healthy children self-awareness develops and they are more capable of taking another person’s perspective and offering solutions or help when they notice someone in distress. That is the beginning of empathy.
Most of us mature, evolve — develop empathy — and recognize the consequences these childhood antics. We thus temper our ways so as not to cause potential harm. But even teens and not all adults have developed a fully formed sense of empathy. Some continue to have “fun” at others’ expense, especially if their shenanigans are rewarded with attention such laughter and some type of peer status. And far too many have failed to develop the ability to accept responsibility, admitt be wrong apologize or change.
Recently someone I know and admire as a very bright man with a clever wit and liberal leanings posted this on his Facebook page:
I called him out on its inappropriateness and it started a private conversation between he and I via messenger that went on for 3 days of him vehemently and stubbornly digging his heels in and refusing to admit it was sexist, objectifying, and dangerous in light of the fact that Asian women have long been fetishized and especially amidst the current spate of violence against Asians.
His sole response was: “Oh please, I was speaking of little boys in 1959” despite the fact that he posted it on May 27, 2021, days after President Biden condemned what he called “skyrocketing” hate crimes against Asian American women. I used the analogy of those who have been called out for thinking blackface was funny back in the day but he refused to admit it was in any way inappropriate or bad timing to post.
The hurtful “joking” bullying, the reliance on a “boys-will-be-boys” defense, vehemently denying being racist or sexist, and doubling down instead of admitting any wrong-doing all share one root cause: a need for a show of bravado to mask one’s insecurities and fragile ego.
Rewards and Consequences
Bullying is ultimately about humiliation, power and control. The bully needs to put others down to feel better about him/herself. The bully tries to shame others in order to get a rush of feeling superior and wielding power over the other because of their deep-seated feelings of powerlessness, even invisibility; their low self-esteem. Some bullies will use intimidation or extortion — such as threats to publicly release compromising photographs — in an attempt to control their victims, taking humiliation a step further than hurling insults. Power and control are often at the root of misogyny. A need to control another by instilling fear. Spousal abuse takes it yet a step further as does all bullying that becomes physical.
School students have been suspended for bullying. Yet, adults often find rewards for aggressive behavior. In business, for instance, being ruthlessly competitive, cutthroat is very often praised and rewarded with promotions to higher paying positions, titles and bigger offices. In many industries — and in sports — it is the accepted norm despite moral and ethical ethos of fairness and kindness.
But bullying has legal limits and consequences. Michelle Carter was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter in the 2012 suicide death of 18-year-old Conrad Roy III. Carter relentlessly phoned Roy pressuring him to go through with killing himself. Limits exist even in the most competitive arenas such as the imprisonment of Bernie Madoff who crossed a line by allowing his greed to take illegal advantage of people he did business with and Tonya Harding crossed a line in conspiring with Gillooly and Eckardt to commit physical violence to gain an advantage for which she was fined $1000,000 and sentenced to 3 years of probation. Gillooly was sentenced to two years in prison.
Few bullies cross legal lines however. In many social circles adults who exhibit a lack of empathy, discrimination and bullying are called out for being less evolved, less “woke,” intolerant, bigoted, mean or tone deaf. When tormenting others others using racism, misogyny, disability, sexual orientation or any perceived “weakness” as weapons becomes more consistent, it is generally considered by most to be an indication of narcissism or sociopathic behavior or both. Yet calling out racism etc. creates pushback with labels of “Political Correctness” and “Cancel Culture” which those who engage in such behaviors see as an attempt to control them and are further incited.
Hate groups that praise and nurture bullying behavior to the point of encouraging violence against “others” are another example of extreme total lack of empathy and inflated feelings of superiority that feeds off one another. They attract like-minded haters and make loners them feel part of a group or substitute family, much as gangs do in inner cities.
As Bob Dylan said in 1963: “The Times They are a Changin’.” School segregation was legal until 1954 and the famous Woolworth lunch counter sit in occurred in 1960. Times and acceptable language and behavior change with it creating issues of how we judge, censor and censure past actions such as those who wore “black face” back in the days before seatbelt laws and infants and children rode in cars without car seats and Lucille Ball and Desi Arnez slept in separate beds on TV. Times change. Mores change. Yet we still have a long way to go in terms of racism as seen vividly in police profiling and killing of Blacks and the fact that the Equal Rights Amendment to guarantee equal legal rights regardless of gender still awaits passage.
Despite changes, we/they binary dichotomies seem to exist across time. Is it human nature to see “us” and “others”? Is it inevitable to form into nations and become ethnocentric? Are we inherently unable to live together without classism, nationalism, racism, and sexism? What are the economic, social and political factors that encourage scapegoating and divisiveness? When it’s acceptable — even necessary? — to build walls, exclude or war against and kill “others”? Will humanity continue to evolve or are we doomed to self-destruct as the Roman Empire did with faction against faction?
Where do you draw the line? Do you still tell racist, misogynist jokes? Do you laugh at them, empowering the “jokester”?
What you may think is a funny “joke” feeds hate. You can either join in or stand up against hate.
